Things not to say to men #54:

Drunk you is the only version of you I can tolerate.

Things not to say to men #52:

You should come with an easy button.

Things not to say to men #51:

Would you like to come to the Vagina Monologues with me, or would that be past your level of comfort on the whipped scale?

Note: This is applicable when everyone is sober and decent, and no one is sleazy.

Unromantic things to do in bed #19:

Talk about Santi’s left ball.

Note to self : do not respond to “how are you this afternoon?” with “my hormones are just all over the place today” or “my shedding uterus hates your half of the species”.

Unromantic things to do in bed #18:

Hide under a blanket because you feel like his family photo is watching you.

Note to self: it is not appropriate to photograph a wine bottle between your legs and send it to people telling them that you ejaculate alcohol and are therefore better than them.

• Accidentally dating people
• Showing up to places stupidly early but only when everyone else is late
• Texting people soon after hooking up with them informing them that I may have given them a cold/mono/the flu/whatever else
• Making bad choices then texting Levi and Sarah and Megan at strange hours saying “I did something stupid”
• Accidentally having men whipped
• Dealing with incompetent idiots who don’t do their jobs
• Men not shaving and my lips feeling like death after
• Being used as an elbow rest
• Being used as an arm rest
• Being used as a pillow
• Overcommitting and then dying

• I don’t like you as a person and don’t want to speak to you ever
• I just don’t want to slap you with my big black cock
• Cheers to wheeling ten year old boys
• The dog is making out with me MAYDAY
• Stop hitting on each other, I have to drink every time you do!
• Yeah I kinda know all about your life from pillow talk… wait, you’re not supposed to know that
• Here’s to not being an adulterous dirtbag!
• VAGINA NO BABY ADVENTURE
• I would be happier about blowjobs if men ejaculated Bacardi breezers

Things not to say to men #30:

I named a hematoma after you because you’re annoying and painful to be around and I don’t know how I got stuck with you.

Note: This is applicable when everyone is sober and decent, and no one is sleazy.

• Hike your sari up to your knees because you can’t walk in it
• When someone says you looked graceful up on stage giving your speech, laugh
• When people tell you your speech was good, say, “Oh, I know it was”
• Hide in your mother’s closet because you’re really tired and don’t want to be around the 20 or so guests downstairs
• When your sister gets out of the dressing room, tell her she’s sweaty and gross but you’ll high five her for a job well done
• “I think we successfully convinced people we actually like each other, well done”
• Tell your sister’s boyfriend that he’s the Rick Santorum of Ottawa
• Seriously debate watching your sister’s dance recital from backstage because the auditorium entrance is too far away
• Declare yourself the sister of the bride “because let’s be honest, who would ever marry her”
• When your father finishes his speech and comes back down, say, “Mine was funnier”
• Coffee and cookies in the greenroom through the first half of the show

• Straight men are people, too!
• I like sitting on gay men
• MORE-garita!
• Oh, those are my breasts
• But I’m known to make terrible choices when it comes to men (this one is especially applicable when in a room with two previous man-choices)
• Actually, yes, I do have to be rampant about my sexuality
• I CAN PUT WHATEVER I WANT INSIDE ME
• It’s a walk of shame but two months late
• No, don’t give me fireball, I turn into a raging slut and my clothes come off within the hour and I don’t think gay men want to see a naked woman
• Congrats on never having finished with a handjob literally five minutes into the hookup!
• Oh my goodness remember that time I spread mono like there’s no tomorrow

How not to break up #14:

A few days after you break up, send out what is clearly a mass text, apologizing to the recipients for giving them mono.